Life Changes

I had a whole day of knitting planned for yesterday. Dale was going to be leaving first thing in the morning to go to a living history in Connecticut. Hannah was still on Martha’s Vineyard and I was looking forward to a day to myself so I could knit, with occasional breaks for spinning and perhaps even blocking the Adamas Shawl.

And then my phone rang at 7:30 am. And it was my stepbrother’s wife, calling to tell me that they were at the hospital with my dad and it looked like he was nearing the end of his life. One simple phone call and everything changed. Not just my plans for the day or my plans for the next few days but really for the rest of my life.

I was able to reach Dale on the road (what did we do before cell phones?) and we were at the hospital at 8:45. We had a visit with my dad, he was awake and talking, but he continued to grow weaker and less responsive as the day went on. The family gathered: both my stepbrothers and their wives as well as their children, my stepsister and her family and stepcousins and basically anyone who wanted to be able to say goodbye was able to do so. There were stories told and there was teasing and sharing and not just a few tears. Just about the time we were wondering if perhaps we should make plans for leaving and taking turns being in his room my dad’s breathing changed significantly. And at 7:30 pm, right after the Red Sox game ended, my dad quietly passed away.

Ours had been a complex and sometimes difficult relationship. Technically, he was my stepfather, but he had been in my life since I was 4 and married to my mother since I was 6, so that term seems inadequate and disrespectful for someone who always acted just like a “real” father. I adored him when I was a child, couldn’t stand him when I was a teenager and young adult, and quite frankly resented him when my mother died 8 years ago. Somewhere over the last few years I accepted him for who he was, faults and all, just as he accepted me and all my faults many years ago. Isn’t it funny how life comes full circle?

And now the business of death takes over – the arrangements and plans and ceremonies that serve to distract us for a few days – while we learn to cope with the loss. This wasn’t really unexpected as he had been in the hospital for the past several months and he lived a full life of 83 years up until that time. But even so, it’s life altering.

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This Post Has 119 Comments

  1. I’m very sorry to hear this, Carole. It sounds like things went as well as they could under the circumstances, though. It sounds like your dad had everyone there for him. Take care.

  4. Just wanted to remind you of how special you and Hannah were to Jim. He had so many pictures of both of you throughout his home. The pictures of you when you were a young girl look like Hannah now. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Carole.
    Love,
    Mary

  5. Oh, Carole. I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss and glad you had the chance to spend some time with him before he died. I will be thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers. Hugs.

  6. Carole, I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a complicated relationship with my father, too. I understand. Hugs.

  9. I’m sorry Carole. Conflicted relationships make for conflicted deaths. No matter how you anticipate, or understand the inevitability, when it happens, it still hurts.

  12. That was beautiful Carole. Life does, indeed, come full circle — and change with a phone call (and, may I add, turn on a dime). My sympathies to you and your family. And big, big hugs.

  17. so sorry Carole about your step dad, I lost mine 5 1/2 years ago. Your right life changing! My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family! {{hugs}}

  18. My heart is with you as you deal with the ups and downs of the roller coaster ride of greif. Laurie’s comment is so on the mark, but it does sound like you have come to terms with him. You are in my thoughts and prayers today, grrlfriend.

  19. I’m sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers. Even though it was not an unexpected loss, it doesn’t lessen the grief you feel.

  21. I am so sorry for yours and your family’s loss. My dad died very unexpectedly about a year and half ago and you are very right about how your life suddenly changes. Know my prayers are with you and yours.

  22. I am sorry to hear of your loss. I remember my grandmother and I talking just before she died about how we had a good ending. Our relationship has been confusing, sad, and joyous. You will be in my thoughts.

  25. I’m so sorry for your loss. Though expected, how suddenly it all happened! And how wonderful that he was surrounded by family the whole day.

  26. I am sorry to hear of your loss, but so glad you got that time with your dad and the rest of your family. It’s tough not feeling like an orphaned child, even at our age. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.

  31. I can’t even begin to imagine what the last 24 hours have been like for you. My very best thoughts and wishes are with you and your family today.

  33. Concentrate on the nice memories and smile as much asyou can. The darkness will change and you will feel better. My thoughts and prayers..cyber ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

  38. Ohh Carole, I read you everyday and i’m terribly sorry to hear about your Dad. My prayers are with you and your family. love, Frani.

  39. I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I have also been through this. Please know that I am thinking of you and your family.

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