I’ve been a bit of an emotional wreck this week, crying over things that normally wouldn’t bother me, feeling a wee bit down in the dumps, and just generally out of sorts. You all know me pretty well and probably recognize that this is not my typical approach to life. At first I thought it was campaign fatigue since I’ve been burning the candle at both ends lately. But then I realized – nope – the campaign stuff is mostly pretty fun and very interesting. And then I thought maybe it was work stuff – and that’s a little bit legitimate since there have been things going on with work – but I’m usually pretty good at handling work things and not letting them affect me personally.
And then I looked at the calendar and it hit me. Today is the 20th anniversary of my mom’s death. So all the weepy feelings and sadness, the overreacting to small things and the lethargy – it’s just grief coming back and reminding my head and my heart that I still miss this woman in a very big way.
In 20 years I’ve learned to live my life without her daily influence and regular advice. I’ve figured out what to make for dinner without asking her what she’s making for dinner. I’ve accepted the fact that she didn’t get to see Hannah grow up. I recognize that I have amazing grandchildren she will never know. I’ve bought cars she’s never ridden in (she’d love the Mustang) and gone on trips I have never gotten to tell her about. I’ve changed jobs and made new friends and learned new things – all without telling her about any of – it except in my head.
Most of the time I’m okay with that. Most of the time I think of her and smile and remember how lucky I am to be her daughter. But sometimes, oh sometimes, it’s just not okay. Sometimes I just wish I could be with her and have a conversation with her and bask in the presence of the woman who played such a gigantic part in making me the woman that I am.
If you have your mom, give her a call today. If you don’t, I’m sorry, because I know how it feels. I’ve been living with this feeling for 20 years.
Hugs and much love to you today.
From one motherless mother to another, I really GET this.
Jessie Cook says
Same. Perhaps we should really think about forming a group of motherless mothers who would like a forum for support and healing, and some days…surviving. Even 25 years later, the ache is indescribable some days. I’m going to really think about forming a closed group. Because….we need each other.
My mom will be gone 20 years in December and I can’t believe it has been that long. You have described all the feelings perfectly. Just remember, if you ever stopped missing her what would that say? Of course we never get over losing our moms or our dads. Be kind to yourself this week.
Much love to you today. I wish I were closer so I could give you a big hug. <3
Sending you hugs today (and every day!) XO
You have me in tears this morning, Carole! My mom has been gone 17 years and I still miss her terribly, especially her hugs, and her humor, and her wisdom. And I remember your mom, her hospitality meant so much to Alan and me when we couldn’t get back to PA for a holiday. Great big hugs to you, my friend.
Mary K. in Rockport says
It’s so amazing that the mind keeps a calendar, and it reminds us of events on an unconscious level.
Oh Carole. I know. It’s so hard. But I’m sure she’d be so proud of you, and Hannah, so in love with the grandkids.
I swear it never gets easier. We just grow around the grief and move along as best we can. Mine is gone 22 yrs. this past 2/21. Red roses and V-Day will never be the same in my heart, (((((Hugs)))))
I hear you. Happens to me every June 8th. Hugs. <3
I will be holding you in my heart today, Carole. And I’ll be thinking about my mom and all the moms and all the daughters who miss their moms so very much. (It’s not yet two years for me, so it’s all so very raw and intense.) XOXO
I certainly understand how you are feeling. I miss my mom every single day, and this year it will be 30 years. Even my husband thinks of her often, since they were partners in crime.
I hope you know your mom would be proud of you. I am, and I barely know you.
Take care, and send her a kiss from me.
Here’s a hug for you today from me too. There are so many Jeopardy final questions I wish I could call and talk with my mom about! Along with many, many other things. We’ll just have to give thanks for having a mom we miss so much. xo
Hugs to you Carole! Your mother would be very proud of the daughter she raised.
Oh, tears and a full heart!
Thinking of you today, Carole.
Thinking of you and remembering my mom too-she passed away two years ago on the 25th.
Sending you hugs and commiserations of the same feelings. My mother has been gone 29 years and while the pain isn’t as great as it once was, I still physically feel her loss. Hugs and love. xo
I’m new to this, but I can say every, every day.
Kathy N says
Motherless for 1 month tomorrow…D**n Alzheimers for 5 years. I miss my mom every day. Hugs to us both
Sending you hugs. Be especially kind to yourself today!
Hugs to you, dear Carole. My dad is developing dementia. He is still here, yet I can’t believe how much I miss him.
17 plus years for my
Mom. Life is never quite the same agin. Mine died just a few days before Christmas. Really crummy timing, especially for my kids when they were little. I remember telling my daughter, “grandma’s celebrating with the birthday boy”.
Judy Hogan says
Carole I understand how you feel. I lost my mom suddenly 18 years ago and somedays are harder than others. I miss her everyday. Sending you a hug.
If we are fortunate, we always have our mothers in some way. One of the strongest ways my mother is with me is the love of reading. She did not read for herself, but she routinely read to me and my sibs and gave us the gift of loving to read. I am sure your mother gave you many gifts and treasures. My heart goes with you when you are mourning.
Oh, but we were so lucky to have great mothers who loved us, and today do try to remember how lucky you were. My mom has been gone for 42 years, and I can say that I have never stopped missing her presence or her wisdom, but I have learned to be happy for the time I had her. Sending a big hug to you today, Carole.
My mum passed when I was six, I miss her every day and miss what could have been.
Robby H. says
Sending you hugs and a thought. While your mom hasn’t experienced those things, all she invested in you enabled you to make those leaps of faith, enjoy those experiences and guided you through mothering Hannah. She’s still in there, but I know it’s not the same. Hope your time of sadness is also a time of joyful recollections.
I am sending you a hug. I have had similar experiences at the anniversary of my Mom’s death. The loss becomes part of our lives but it doesn’t make it any easier. Take good care these days.
Oh Carole, sending a BIG HUG your way … I’m struck reading all the comments how many truly remarkable women have navigated that loss – my heart goes out to y’all. And I’m reminded how fortunate I am to have a renewed relationship with my mom; I am certainly not taking one single day of it for granted! HUGS!
My mother has been gone for 16 years, but it’s been amazing to read the comments and see how we all feel the same poignancy of the loss no matter when we lost our mothers. Sending you hugs and peace.