I’ve been a bit of an emotional wreck this week, crying over things that normally wouldn’t bother me, feeling a wee bit down in the dumps, and just generally out of sorts. You all know me pretty well and probably recognize that this is not my typical approach to life. At first I thought it was campaign fatigue since I’ve been burning the candle at both ends lately. But then I realized – nope – the campaign stuff is mostly pretty fun and very interesting. And then I thought maybe it was work stuff – and that’s a little bit legitimate since there have been things going on with work – but I’m usually pretty good at handling work things and not letting them affect me personally.
And then I looked at the calendar and it hit me. Today is the 20th anniversary of my mom’s death. So all the weepy feelings and sadness, the overreacting to small things and the lethargy – it’s just grief coming back and reminding my head and my heart that I still miss this woman in a very big way.
In 20 years I’ve learned to live my life without her daily influence and regular advice. I’ve figured out what to make for dinner without asking her what she’s making for dinner. I’ve accepted the fact that she didn’t get to see Hannah grow up. I recognize that I have amazing grandchildren she will never know. I’ve bought cars she’s never ridden in (she’d love the Mustang) and gone on trips I have never gotten to tell her about. I’ve changed jobs and made new friends and learned new things – all without telling her about any of – it except in my head.
Most of the time I’m okay with that. Most of the time I think of her and smile and remember how lucky I am to be her daughter. But sometimes, oh sometimes, it’s just not okay. Sometimes I just wish I could be with her and have a conversation with her and bask in the presence of the woman who played such a gigantic part in making me the woman that I am.
If you have your mom, give her a call today. If you don’t, I’m sorry, because I know how it feels. I’ve been living with this feeling for 20 years.