So I sort of dropped the ball on updating you on my journey with the word story. I haven’t done a monthly update since May. Whoops. I’m going to call this one my Summer Update and consider us caught up. Mmmmkay?
Here’s the thing with this year’s word (it’s story, in case you forgot) . . . my journey with it keeps changing. I think that’s a good thing because it means I’m growing and evolving but it’s also very different than how I’ve related to my words in years past. With joy and grace and shine I could just focus on the word and how it showed up in my life and how I could get more of it but with story it’s more about me asking myself on a daily basis: what do I want my story to be? And conversely, what do I not want my story to be?
I’d say for the first half of the year I focused on lot on what my story was . . . on the things that happened to me to get me to where I am, on the life vows I made during childhood that had a lot to do with not being enough . . . not smart enough, not pretty enough, certainly not thin enough, and not worthy enough to stay with because eventually everyone I love either leaves me or dies – especially those somebodies that are men. You don’t need all the gory details and I’m not looking for sympathy but I’ll just say there was some traumatic and violent stuff that I saw on a regular basis when I was a kid and because of it my fall back position is I’m going to hurt you before you get the chance to hurt me.
I’m at the point where I’m releasing those vows (this is hard work, friends) and trying hard to see that those vows don’t serve me anymore. I am not powerless when it comes to love or behavior or money, I control so much of how those things play out in my life. I’m not at the whim of someone buying cigarettes when we actually can’t pay for oil to heat our house. I don’t have to make homemade bows for my Christmas presents because that’s what my mother did. I don’t have to believe that I’m not pretty but it’s okay because I have a good personality just because that’s what my grandmother told me when I was 8. I have the power to make all the choices about how I spend my time, my talent, and my money. I feel like Dorothy at the end of The Wizard of Oz: I’ve had the power all along, I just didn’t know it.
Now that my year with the word story is more than half over I’m trying to focus on what comes next for my story, what my next chapter might be. I’ve had some big ideas floating around in my head for the last few months. Ideas that have been pretty scattered but are finally starting to sort themselves into categories and identifiable goals and ways to expand my life. Ideas about teaching people how to use essential oils. Ideas about crafting products for some extra cash for my family. Ideas about consulting work to help empower women. I think that last one is my favorite and could be a terrific long term goal since I’m really starting to think about what comes next for me when I retire. Yes, it’s still probably 6 years away, give or take, but it’s not too early to start laying the ground work for that part of my story.
And that’s where I am on my journey with my One Little Word right now. A little more focused. A bit less scared. A lot more vulnerable. And most definitely excited.