Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my brother-in-law Randy’s death. It was not an easy day, anniversaries of this nature are always emotional. But it was not a horrible day, either. Dale and I both posted on Facebook and received a great deal of love and support from our friends there. There were phone calls with family members that included lots of reminiscing and sharing stories. There was a general feeling that Randy was among us all day long and I found that reassuring and comforting.

Grief is work, friends. It’s exhausting and at times it’s overwhelming. It’s also necessary. As I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) pain, much like truth, will out. You can ignore it or stuff it back down. You can eat too much or drink too much. You can take your pain and use it to lash out at others. Or . . . you can acknowledge it, take the time you need to feel it, and release it. Sure, it will come back. But when it does you will be ready and you’ll go through the process of accepting and releasing your feelings. Again and again and again.

To quote my own social media post, grief is the price we pay for loving deeply. It’s heartbreaking and terrible. It’s also a blessing and an honor.

Here’s what’s on my mind this week: COVID testing. Dale and I have been tested and, mercifully, we are both negative. Color us relieved and thankful. But there are issues with testing that I can’t stop thinking about now that I have gone through the process personally.

First, it takes too long to get tested. And second, once tested it takes too long to get the results. Here’s our experience:

We were exposed on 11/21. The person we were with starting experiencing symptoms on 11/23 and was tested on 11/24. They got their test results on 11/30 and that’s when Dale and I were notified. Fortunately, we mostly stay home, limiting ourselves to work and necessary shopping. Also, since this all happened over the Thanksgiving holiday, we had been almost exclusively at home. Still, on 11/30 we were both at work when we got the news. We met up at home and went to a drive up testing center but were turned away as they were already at capacity for the day. We went to an urgent care facility near us that does testing, their website said they didn’t take appointments but to call when you arrived. The line was busy for 15 minutes straight and, while it did ring through at one point, no one ever picked up and we were eventually disconnected.

We went home and regrouped and made appointments at a local pharmacy for 12/2 in the afternoon, deciding that it made more sense to have appointments than to drive around looking for a place that would test us without one. They told us the turn around time for results had been 2 days but would most likely be 3-4 days although there was the potential for it to take as long as 6 days. I got my results Saturday morning. Dale, who was tested at the same time as I was, got his results Sunday evening. And today we are both headed back to work.

But. All those days from when we were exposed until when were notified we had been in close contact with a person who tested positive were days where we could have been potentially spreading the virus. Also, by the time we got the results, our quarantine period was up anyway. I’m hearing that people with symptoms can get tested and get results more quickly but without symptoms that was not how it worked for us.

I’m not an expert and I don’t have solutions our answers but even I can tell that this needs to be more efficient. We need more testing places and faster turn around on results. Yes, a vaccine is headed our way. In the meantime, though, I think there needs to be a better way.

And that’s what’s on my mind this Monday.

It’s Thanksgiving week so it’s only natural that gratitude is on my mind. I’ve kept a gratitude journal since August 2019. That’s 456 days of sitting down first thing in the morning (while my coffee brews, in fact) and writing down 5 things I am grateful for.

It generally takes the shape of 5 things from the previous day and sometimes it feels like I’m just writing down daily highlights . . . the best things that happened on a given day. I’m not always certain that’s a true expression of gratitude but there’s nothing wrong with being grateful for good things that happen. Plus, my gratitude journal . . . my rules.

The things I’ve written down are as simple as birds singing outside my window, as lighthearted as watching Jackie dance, and as profound as the day after Dale’s accident when I simply sat at my table and wrote, 5 times over . . . Dale is alive. Flipping back through the pages of my journals sparks memories and moments that I wouldn’t ordinarily spend time recalling and I am very glad I have a place to go where I’ve gathered these memories together.

If you’re the journaling sort I encourage you to give this a try . . . and what better time to start than Thanksgiving? I believe expressing gratitude makes us happy, makes us present, and makes us aware. It’s a good way to live, friends.

You know what’s on my mind this morning? Sleep. As in, Sunday night sleep. I struggle with it and I’m not sure exactly why. Last night was better than most but there was still a fair amount of awake time in the wee hours, my thoughts on overdrive.

I’m not alone in this struggle. Sunday night sleep problems . . . dubbed Sunday-somnia . . . are a real thing that many struggle with and it’s related to . . . wait for it . . . anxiety. Of course. Some studies I read mentioned that it’s anxiety related to a difficult commute or Monday morning meetings but neither of those are issues for me. I actually have a job that I enjoy and find satisfying so returning to work shouldn’t be anxiety producing for me.

And yet, I’m pretty sure it is. I’ve ruled out the other typical reasons for Sunday-somnia: having different sleep cycles on the weekends (I don’t), drinking more on the weekends (I don’t), taking naps (I don’t), so yeah. It’s anxiety related to the start of the week. My therapist and I discussed this recently and she thinks it’s related to me having to give up my freedom when Monday rolls around. I think she’s on to something there, frankly, because I truly value and appreciate having whole days to myself to do whatever I want at whatever time I want.

The reality is that retirement is still 6 years away for me so daily freedom isn’t coming any time soon. I don’t have any good answers yet on how I can mitigate the anxiety and sleep better on Sunday nights but rest assured . . . it’s on my mind.