Today I am joining with Honoré and sharing an update on my journey with my 2020 One Little Word, Open.
I’m sure you aren’t surprised to read that my word, Open, continues to be a challenge for me. This month that challenge has revolved around opening my eyes to some hard truths about myself.
Here’s a hard truth: I’m basically lazy. I know, you think I do a lot and that’s because I do. But most of what I do is not physical stuff, it’s knitting and reading, and crafting and keeping a pretty house. It’s not hard work for me, it’s fun. Lately, though, I am doing lots of work like lugging suitcases, refilling water jugs, tending the garden, doing all of the cooking, and just doing much more around the house than I ever have before. The hard truth is that I resent it. And I feel bad about myself for resenting it. Conclusion: I need to open my eyes to my ability to do some extra work right now and remember that’s it’s only temporary.
Here’s another hard truth: I have been rather oblivious in recognizing that my current situation is triggering a lot of stuff from my past. I don’t have much patience for weakness in another person (hint, I viewed my mother as a very weak person). I pride myself in not being weak. I’m a straighten your crown and move forward kind of thinker, a push through and get it done kind of worker, a grit your teeth and do the tasks before you relax kind of person. So when I see Dale struggling to move around, when I see him sit for long stretches because it’s easier, when he doesn’t clean up the kitchen like he used to, I get frustrated. And then I get mad. And then I lash out at the closest target, which, these days, is quite often Dale himself. It’s not fair, it’s not healthy, and it’s most certainly because of the things that angered me most about my mother. And also, it’s very similar to the dynamic that existed between my mother and my stepfather. Conclusion: I need to open my eyes to these triggers, acknowledge the past, and not let it influence my present.
It’s eye opening work and even though I’m struggling, I’m committed to the hard work because the results will be all the greater.