I realized the other day that I haven’t done a “Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” in a really long time. I’m sure I’ve thought of lots of things to put on this list but they are always so fleeting. My thoughts, that is. If I don’t write this stuff down, well, it’s just gone. Anyway, I do have a few things that have made me go hmmmm in the past week . . .
*When Hannah is out with her friends I have a rule that she has to check in when she changes location. For instance, if she’s at the pizza place and wants to walk to Dunkin Donuts then she needs to call me. Simple, right? Well, she told me the other day that this makes her feel like I don’t trust her. That’s not it at all, I just want to know where she is. So, I’m asking you all for advice on this one. How do I make her understand that it’s of my peace of mind and not a matter of trust? Hmmm?
*A family of bunnies has taken up residence in our wood pile. We’ve seen two adult sized ones (mama and papa, we assume) and a few itty bitty ones. They are awfully cute and it makes me glad we don’t have a vegetable garden this year.
*Kristi has designed a wonderful new sock pattern and all the net profits go to support The Seeing Eye, a non-profit school that provides guide dogs and training to the visually impaired. You can see the sock here and purchase the pattern on Ravelry.
*In the interest of catching up with the ABC Along I have decided that I is for Icarus and this post now counts as my I contribution. Now I just need to come up with a J. Hmmm.
*Finally, it must be officially summer because Dale and his band are playing outdoors again. We worried about thunderstorms Tuesday night but they managed to get their annual hometown concert on the common done. It doesn’t get better than a beautiful summer night of fun music with all your friends. Hmmm indeed.
That’s an easy one. You tell her it has nothing to do with her, it has to do with the world around her. If she’s at Dunkin Donuts and you happen to be driving by and see that there’s something going on there, say, a robbery or a comet hit the place, you need to know where she is and that she’s safe. Your concern isn’t that you don’t trust her, its that she’s safe from actions and events that are beyond her control.
Same here with the teenagers checking in. I tell them since I’m a worrier, it keeps me from worrying about them. My 17 yo has finally clued in that this prevents ME from calling HIM so he does it. The 14 yo ..well, its going to be a long summer.Good luck!
As a teenager (well, last year..) I can see where she is coming from and I can see where you are coming from. I think you are perfectly justified in having her call you if you don’t know that she is going to be in multiple places. Perhaps if she knew ahead of time that she was going to be at the pizza place and then walking to dunkin doughnuts, and told you that ahead of time, you could allow her to do that without the phone call unless it gets rather late?
Otherwise, yes, she should call.
As a teenager (well, last year..) I can see where she is coming from and I can see where you are coming from. I think you are perfectly justified in having her call you if you don’t know that she is going to be in multiple places. Perhaps if she knew ahead of time that she was going to be at the pizza place and then walking to dunkin doughnuts, and told you that ahead of time, you could allow her to do that without the phone call unless it gets rather late?
Otherwise, yes, she should call.
Well, I have no good advice…after 3 kids you think I would! Each one is different.
I’d love to hear Dale’s band.
Well, I have no good advice…after 3 kids you think I would! Each one is different.
I’d love to hear Dale’s band.
With cell phones these days, it’s so much easier to keep tabs on them. Being the mom of a 16 year old myself, I am in com[lete agreement. I keep reinforcing that I don’t trust all the crazies out there. I also point out that if something happens to me, her dad, or her sister- it will be much easier to get her where she needs to be if something happens. Never know when a flagpole has it in for you!
Thinking about the world of cell phones and how different things are now than when I was Hannah’s age.
Well, I have no good advice…after 3 kids you think I would! Each one is different.
I’d love to hear Dale’s band.
Kids always use the ‘trust issue’ against you. She will understand it better later in life. Just keep her at it. At least you have texting to make it easier.
Kids always use the ‘trust issue’ against you. She will understand it better later in life. Just keep her at it. At least you have texting to make it easier.
Kids always use the ‘trust issue’ against you. She will understand it better later in life. Just keep her at it. At least you have texting to make it easier.
Kids always use the ‘trust issue’ against you. She will understand it better later in life. Just keep her at it. At least you have texting to make it easier.
Carole, I always asked the same thing of my older kids while they were growing up and now of my 16 year old now that she is starting to go out with her friends without parents more and more.
It’s a scary world out there and it is just reassuring to know where they are. 🙂
First of all, Dale and the Duds are performing July 2nd at the Plymouth waterfront-yay! I love free summer concerts!
As for Hannah, she seems like an extraordinarily responsible teenager. (We are setting a tentative wedding date for her and my brother for summer, 2014) HOWEVER, after hearing tales of the police blotter from my honey, it should be pointed out that you should always always assume teenagers are up to something. And when they aren’t aren’t up to something, they are thinking about being up to something. And if that is not the case, you must at least take into account outside factors, such as predators and sickos. Call me crazy, but until my little boy is on his own, I plan on knowing where he is and who he’s with at all times, and will periodically stalk him to ensure he is telling me the truth!! It has nothing to do with trust. Its about ensuring they make it to adulthood.
You trust your daughter, it’s the world around her you can’t afford to trust. She shouldn’t trust the world around her either, and knowing her mom knows where she is adds a safety factor.
Someone should always know where you are, otherwise how will anyone know you are not where you are supposed to be?
I wonder if she has the responsibility of checking in
with you in hours and not locations. Then she can give a status report every 2 hours (or more likely you call her every 2 hours).
Give her the responsibility of checking in and she may feel that you trust her more?
What do I know? My kid is 4 and my mom let me run wild! (Maybe why I keep an extra eye on my cowboy!)
I think that your rule makes sense and I agree with what others have said about it not being a matter of you not trusting Hannah – it’s you not trusting the rest of the world. Now that Lindsey has her own cell phone (elementary school grad gift) I plan to use your rule but I’ll probably put it in terms of you call me or I call you – your choice. I suspect that she’d rather not have me calling every 5 minutes, but then again, right now the phone is a huge novelty so she’d probably take any excuse to use it.
Maybe you guys could compromise and she can send a text message instead of calling. You still know where to find her and she doesn’t have to have a whole conversation about the change of location.
Sprite took my suggestion!
If her phone has GPS you can sign up for family locator (Sprint) and I am sure the other companies have something similar. But I have the same rule and I enforce it. I also have all the numbers of all my daughters friends and parents so I can start calling them when she doesn’t answer her phone when I call. No, I don’t trust her, she hasn’t earned that back yet.
My mom had a similar rule for both my sister and I. Perhaps because we were in a small town where you couldn’t really freely wander from one place to another it didn’t seem a problem. We only had to phone when plans changed from what we had told her they would be before leaving the house. As long as she knew where we were it meant we didn’t really have a curfew so I suppose it was worth checking in. And, at that time we didn’t have the ease of checking in with a cell phone.
Thanks for the shout out on the pattern, I really appreciate it!
It’s a matter of safety, pure and simple.
I’d love to hear that band!!
We have the same rule here, um, except when she’s at college. My rational is I need to know where she is in the event of an emergency be it with us, her or heaven forbid I have to report her missing. I worry more about what could happen to my daughter than what she’s doing. There are a lot of bad things that happen in this world.
We have had bunnies in our yard this year and last. They are so cute but do nibble in the garden.
Bunnies! How cute! But better in your yard than mine. Last night while we were enjoying sitting on the patio, our neighbor was out playing his banjo. He’s very good, and it was nice to have a free concert!
I’m with everyone who said it’s not her you don’t trust. I will institute this rule with Miss B when she gets a little older, and I will also give her permission to say, when her friends ask why she’s on the phone *again*, “because my mom is a dweeb.” Also the no-questions-asked rule: she can call us any time, from anywhere, including somewhere she is not supposed to be, and we will come get her, no questions asked, and there will be no punishment.
Oh, and Achilles thinks your bunnies are adorable and wants you to ask Mason when he can come visit.
I’m of the opinion that you can explain it to her, and if she still doesn’t like it, it’s tough. 🙂 There’s a lot of “Cuz I’m the Mama and I said so” going on at my house.
sorry Hannah.. but the “Mom’s” are winning in this conversation. It’s the environment that your Mom doesn’t trust (not you). So send her a text (and your friends will still think you’re cool)
Wish I could hear Dale’s band too!
It’s a cell phone world and this means that teenagers make and change plans on the fly while they are out – it’s so easy. This makes it even more important to have a procedure/rule about checking in — you really do need to know when plans change.
I think the texting idea is a great one and I also think you should consider asking Hannah to read over these comments.
Hannah: there always should be a loved one who knows where you are.
I’m probably not as diplomatic as you are, but I tell my 17yo that I am responsible for her physically and financially until she is 18yo and for that reason I need to know where she is and what she is doing at all times. Period.
I think your rule is very reasonable, and I like the advice that others have given.
She can call you and keep you informed of her location or you can get her fitted with a LoJack. Totally her choice. ;^)
Or get her to watch the news and see how scary the world is. I vote LoJack, but that’s why I have a cat and not kids.
Oh! And I thought Dale & The Duds was your J. For jam.
I’m not sure I understand the issue. If the problem is checking in with a phone call is cumbersome, maybe checking in with a text message would be an improvement.
If the problem is about having to check in at all, well, that’s simply good manners – adults do it all the time, in all kinds of situations. It’s an important part of a good relationship. Conversely, there are consequences when one doesn’t check in.
For example, a guy I carpool with neglected to mention he had another way home. The rest of us waited a while for him to show up, then called his cell phone. People were not happy to find out he was already home! As for trust, if he had checked in, he would still have trust, but because he didn’t, he doesn’t.
I love bunnies! And I bought the sock pattern. Couldn’t resist the story even though I hate knitting socks! 😉
I agree that Hannah should check in – not because of a trust factor – but, for a safety factor! Too many weird ones out there these days…and if something – god forbid – did happen you would know where her last stop was and have a point of reference.
I can’t come up with a “J” either…although I think I just thought of one!
My parents did the same thing with me that you’re doing with Hannah. My reward for calling my parents when I changed locations, was that I had no curfew. The rest of my friends had curfews, but they never had to call in. I liked my situation much more than theirs. I never once had to beg my parents to extend my curfew nor did I get in trouble for breaking a curfew (since I had none). My dad is a cop and I understood that they wanted to know my location as a safety and emergency factor.
She’ll understand when she has a teenager. How about this for J… Just Hmmmmm’ing? (ok, bad I know). There are groundhogs at work, and two ‘little’ ones I see often… very amusing, especially as my garden is ACROSS THE RIVER. Fun that Dale’s in a band!
I agree with all of the comments, it is not you I don’t trust, it is the world around you, and the crazies in it, that make me worry for you. I have a 16 year old, an almost 13 and a just 11.
However, I am in the lucky position, that 16 has a friend with a control freak mother. One time when the friend was at the mall with us, (and control freak mom has my cell number), control freak mom called three times when we were grabbing a burger at Johnny Rockets. We were homecoming dress shopping, and were not expected back at their house, until after the Mall closed at 9.
I have to say, by comparison, I look so reasonable in my check in requests, none of my kids complain.
Writing privately about daughters and such since my comment has stuff I don’t post publicly.
Sure do wish I could hear the band play — that would be a perfect thing this evening… When are you going to sell a CD???
The the above mention of text messaging is a terrific idea. I may use that when my now 14 year old is more mobile.
How about using the pic of Dave for J – Isn’t he “jamming”? Hmmm..
We have the same “checking in” rule, simply for safety reasons. I’ve found the kids are much less resistant to text messaging (no one has to know it’s Mom or Dad they’re talking to) so that’s the way we usually go.
It depends on the proximity of Dunkin Donuts to the pizza place. If it’s nearby, there should be no reason to call. Rules are important regarding which neighborhoods are ok and which are off-limits. Also about driving around with friends (I think this is the most important issue). Parameters made in advance are necessary. Some of the responses you have gotten seem to think that cell phone contact equals safety. It doesn’t automatically. Street smarts are more important. An over-tight leash engenders rebellion.
Good luck!
I think it’s not as much to keep you from worrying, but it’s more a responsibility that we have. Whether it’s a marriage relationship, or parent-child, or a work relationship, we have a responsibility to one another, especially when we love each other. The fact that she calls you would actually establish trust. But, I know, after having five teenagers, it’s just a teenaged thing…we’re on different wavelengths daddio!
I have/had the same rule with Dobby – and you’d think she would have stuck with it considering that her father and stepfather are both in the ‘saving other peoples lives’ business however, she did not. It’s also impossible to force them to do it unless you go the GPS route which in turn makes them think you don’t trust them – which doesn’t help the situation.
I guess I have no good advice, sorry. :o( Just wait though, she’ll be driving before you know it and that will be a whole new nightmare… ;o)
She’s found your guilt/second-guess-myself-as-parent button. A new day has dawned. 😉
My first response, with the intent of disarming the newfound confidence of having found mom’s button would be, smart-assedly, “Trust? That absolutely was not an issue at all. But since YOU brought it up…should I be worried about trusting you?”
And then: “I love you very much. Part of being a loving mother is knowing where you are at all times. I’m sorry if that feels bad to you, but I will not apologize for loving you that way.”
Then: “And for the record, if I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t let you leave the house.”
She’s found your guilt/second-guess-myself-as-parent button. A new day has dawned. 😉
My first response, with the intent of disarming the newfound confidence of having found mom’s button would be, smart-assedly, “Trust? That absolutely was not an issue at all. But since YOU brought it up…should I be worried about trusting you?”
And then: “I love you very much. Part of being a loving mother is knowing where you are at all times. I’m sorry if that feels bad to you, but I will not apologize for loving you that way.”
Then: “And for the record, if I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t let you leave the house.”
I have the same rule with my 13 y/o daughter. But instead of calling she will just text me. That way she doesn’t feel embarrassed at having to call me in front of her friends. It’s worth the extra money for the feature – we stay in contact about every half hour or so when she is in town with her friends.
My explanation of the paranoia I feel about needing to know where she is at all times is just that I NEED to know where my child is. End of story. It has nothing to do with me not trusting her. She still doesn’t believe me but maybe one day she will.