I had a whole day of knitting planned for yesterday. Dale was going to be leaving first thing in the morning to go to a living history in Connecticut. Hannah was still on Martha’s Vineyard and I was looking forward to a day to myself so I could knit, with occasional breaks for spinning and perhaps even blocking the Adamas Shawl.
And then my phone rang at 7:30 am. And it was my stepbrother’s wife, calling to tell me that they were at the hospital with my dad and it looked like he was nearing the end of his life. One simple phone call and everything changed. Not just my plans for the day or my plans for the next few days but really for the rest of my life.
I was able to reach Dale on the road (what did we do before cell phones?) and we were at the hospital at 8:45. We had a visit with my dad, he was awake and talking, but he continued to grow weaker and less responsive as the day went on. The family gathered: both my stepbrothers and their wives as well as their children, my stepsister and her family and stepcousins and basically anyone who wanted to be able to say goodbye was able to do so. There were stories told and there was teasing and sharing and not just a few tears. Just about the time we were wondering if perhaps we should make plans for leaving and taking turns being in his room my dad’s breathing changed significantly. And at 7:30 pm, right after the Red Sox game ended, my dad quietly passed away.
Ours had been a complex and sometimes difficult relationship. Technically, he was my stepfather, but he had been in my life since I was 4 and married to my mother since I was 6, so that term seems inadequate and disrespectful for someone who always acted just like a “real” father. I adored him when I was a child, couldn’t stand him when I was a teenager and young adult, and quite frankly resented him when my mother died 8 years ago. Somewhere over the last few years I accepted him for who he was, faults and all, just as he accepted me and all my faults many years ago. Isn’t it funny how life comes full circle?
And now the business of death takes over – the arrangements and plans and ceremonies that serve to distract us for a few days – while we learn to cope with the loss. This wasn’t really unexpected as he had been in the hospital for the past several months and he lived a full life of 83 years up until that time. But even so, it’s life altering.
jessie Said,
I’m very sorry to hear this, Carole. It sounds like things went as well as they could under the circumstances, though. It sounds like your dad had everyone there for him. Take care.
Annie Said,
So sorry to hear about your loss. My best to you and your family at this difficult time.
Becky / Knitting Interrupted Said,
Hugs Carole.
mary Said,
Just wanted to remind you of how special you and Hannah were to Jim. He had so many pictures of both of you throughout his home. The pictures of you when you were a young girl look like Hannah now. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Carole.
Love,
Mary
Manise Said,
Oh, Carole. I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss and glad you had the chance to spend some time with him before he died. I will be thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers. Hugs.
marcy, not blogless Said,
Carole, I’m so sorry for your loss. I had a complicated relationship with my father, too. I understand. Hugs.
Dave Daniels Said,
Hi, Carole,
My heart goes out to you, Dale and Hannah.
It’s so true, a little phone call can change the rest of your life…
Chris Said,
Carole, my sympathies on your loss. Hugs to you and yours.
Laurie Said,
I’m sorry Carole. Conflicted relationships make for conflicted deaths. No matter how you anticipate, or understand the inevitability, when it happens, it still hurts.
maryse Said,
carole, i’m so sorry about your dad.
Julie Said,
Carole, you’ll be in my thoughts. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Vicki Said,
That was beautiful Carole. Life does, indeed, come full circle — and change with a phone call (and, may I add, turn on a dime). My sympathies to you and your family. And big, big hugs.
Karen Said,
I’m so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Wendy Said,
I’m so sorry — but glad you were able to say good-bye. Take care of yourself.
Cheryl Said,
I’m so sorry. I’ll be thinking of you. Let me know if you need anything.
All my love to you and your family.
Karen Said,
Carole, I’m sorry about your Dad. My best to you and your family.
Michelle Said,
so sorry Carole about your step dad, I lost mine 5 1/2 years ago. Your right life changing! My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family! {{hugs}}
margene Said,
My heart is with you as you deal with the ups and downs of the roller coaster ride of greif. Laurie’s comment is so on the mark, but it does sound like you have come to terms with him. You are in my thoughts and prayers today, grrlfriend.
liz Said,
I’m sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers. Even though it was not an unexpected loss, it doesn’t lessen the grief you feel.
Kirsten Said,
So sorry for your loss. I’m sure it meant so much to him to have you all there. You’ll be in my thoughts.
Lisa C in TN Said,
I am so sorry for yours and your family’s loss. My dad died very unexpectedly about a year and half ago and you are very right about how your life suddenly changes. Know my prayers are with you and yours.
Brenda Said,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I remember my grandmother and I talking just before she died about how we had a good ending. Our relationship has been confusing, sad, and joyous. You will be in my thoughts.
Deb Said,
You are in my prayers this morning.
Karen Said,
I’m so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Monica Said,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Though expected, how suddenly it all happened! And how wonderful that he was surrounded by family the whole day.
Birdsong Said,
I am sorry to hear of your loss, but so glad you got that time with your dad and the rest of your family. It’s tough not feeling like an orphaned child, even at our age. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
Annie Said,
I’m so sorry for your loss, Carole.
Martha Said,
Oh Carole, I’m so sorry. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.
Carla Said,
I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there!
AuntyNin Said,
Carole, my thoughts are with you and your family at this time. Losing a loved one is never easy.
Beth S. Said,
I can’t even begin to imagine what the last 24 hours have been like for you. My very best thoughts and wishes are with you and your family today.
Chris Said,
My thoughts are with you and your family right now. Take care… *hug*
Susanne Said,
Concentrate on the nice memories and smile as much asyou can. The darkness will change and you will feel better. My thoughts and prayers..cyber ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Jes Said,
I’m so sorry for your loss.
kate Said,
my deepest sympathies on your loss– my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family…
Ruth Said,
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you and your family …..
amanda Said,
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss Carole. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers during this trying time.
Frani Said,
Ohh Carole, I read you everyday and i’m terribly sorry to hear about your Dad. My prayers are with you and your family. love, Frani.
Paula Said,
I am very sorry to hear of your loss. I have also been through this. Please know that I am thinking of you and your family.
Cecily Said,
Sending lots of love…
--Deb Said,
Oh no, Carole . . . I’m so sorry!!
Bookish Wendy Said,
Carole – my heart is with you and your family. It’s never easy to say goodbye to someone – no matter how much of a surprise it is… xo.
Bethany Said,
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Much loving kindness to you and your family.
Lisa Said,
Carole, I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.
heather Said,
I’m so sorry for you and your family’s loss, Carole.
Sending hugs.
Lucia Said,
I am so sorry. I’ll be thinking warm, woolly thoughts for you and your family.
Rachel H Said,
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s never easy, no matter how expected.
Cara Said,
I am so sorry for you and the family. I’m glad to hear he was surrounded by his family though. Thinking of you.
Leah Said,
I’m so sorry for your loss Carole. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Theresa Said,
My condolences to you and your family. I wish you all peace and good memories.
Liz Said,
Sending prayers and condolences. Cheers to the fond memories.
Susan Said,
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Mindy Said,
Sorry to hear about your loss.
jenifleur Said,
I’m so sorry. The missing is so unbearable sometimes. I’m glad that you were able to love and respect one another for who you were before it was too late. Hugs to you and your family!
Risa Said,
My condolences on your loss Carole. I’m so terribly sorry.
Lene Said,
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Kathleen Said,
Oh Carole, I am so sorry for your loss. My mom remarried when I was young too. So I understand your feelings a bit. Hugs to you m’dear. And lots of love too.
Rachel Said,
Carole, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. Take care.
Lizzy B Said,
I’m so sorry about the loss of your dad. I’m glad you and your siblings were able to be with him in the final moments and that it was peaceful.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your today.
Miss Tonia Said,
I’m sorry for your loss.
Miriam Said,
I’m sorry, hun. Take whatever time you need to get used to the change. We’ll be right here when you get back. And I’m just an e-mail away. *hug*
Laura Said,
I am very sorry to hear of your loss. My own father died in June this year, and I still feel it most keenly. Hugs to you and your family.
elisa Said,
I think most relationships are complex, sometimes mysterious things. I think you are both lucky that you were able to come full circle by learning to just accept each other for who you are. It’s all we can ever ask of anyone – just accept me. Just love me.
My condolences on your loss, Carole.
xoxo,
Elisa
christine Said,
So sorry for your loss, Carole. I’m glad that you were able to accept your father in his complicated form………perhaps you can teach me this.
P
Liz Kalloch Said,
Family relationships, relationships in general are so complex and so wonderful and so hard, and then you lose someone, and for a while it’s even harder… thinking of you today… keep your family, blood and otherwsie, close these next days.
Jess Said,
Oh Carole I am so, so sorry. Hugs and love to all of you…
Kelly Said,
Sorry sorry for your loss Carole. Hugs to you!
Liz K. Said,
Carole, I’m going to add my sympathies to all the other bloggers. Hang in ther during what is sure to be a tough week, month, season, year…I am with you.
hillary Said,
I’m sorry to hear of your loss.
Lolly Said,
I am so sorry, Carole. Please take care.
Sarah Said,
So sorry for your loss, but it sounds like his full life ended somewhat well and your family was able to relish the time and sorrow together. That is always precious to have the positive memories at the end.
Kate Said,
Sorry for your loss Carole. My thoughts are with you and your family. Take Care.
BigAlice Said,
Carole, I’m so sorry. Thinking good thoughts for you and your family.
Britt Said,
I am sorry to hear of the news. I know how hard it is to lose the people in your immediate family. I hope that the greiving period is as long as neccessary and no longer. Good luck.
Fields of Heather Said,
So sorry to hear the news Carole- you and all your loved ones are in my thoughts.
Laurie Said,
I’m sorry for your loss.
It should comfort you that you were there at the end. Whatever came before was washed away.
My thoughts are with you.
sandy Said,
I am so sorry for your great loss, Carole. Please know that I am sending hugs as fast as I can send them.
xoxo
love you, be strong, remember
Julie Said,
Carole, I’m so sorry for you loss! I’m glad you had the chance to see him and say your goodbyes, though. You’ll be in my thoughts.
Ann Said,
My deepest sympathy to you and your family in this tender time.
ann Said,
my thoughts are with you Carole.
claudia Said,
I’ll bet you are glad that you could be there for him.
Take care.
mamacate Said,
I’m so sorry, Carole. Your post about him is a tribute to who he was and to who you are too. I’m sending warm healing vibes for your family, along with much love.
La Said,
My heart goes out to you and your family. It’s never easy losing a loved one, even when it’sw been anticipated.
I’m sure having his loved ones gathered made his transition easier, and it may have offered some closure for all of you.
You are in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing this small tribute with us.
Beth Said,
You and your family will be in my prayers. Take care.
Romy Said,
Carole, I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing with us. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Rachel Said,
I am glad that your father was surrounded by so many who loved him in the final hours of his life.
I hope those same loved ones and the many memories you all share of him will provide you with some measure of comfort. I wish you and you family strength, healing, and peace.
Scout Said,
Oh Carole. I’m so sorry to read this. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Diane E. Said,
So sorry for your loss, glad you could all be there, for your sake and his. Thinking of you today and through the week.
michelle Said,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Here sending good thoughts for you and yours.
Liz (the crazed weasel) Said,
Oh, my goodness. I’m so sorry. What a kick in the guts. Warm thoughts,
Liz
Debbie Said,
Carole, sorry to hear of your loss…..Will be thinking of you, as always, Debbie
Amy Said,
I’m so sorry, Carole. But what a lovely entry. And I’m so glad the timing worked the way it did, so you could all be there.
sprite Said,
{Carole}. I hope memories of the good days carry you through these next hard weeks.
Carrie Said,
Very sorry to hear of your loss.
maggie Said,
Carole, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Please, if there is anything I can do, do not hesitate to call me. …sending hugs your way.
Betty Said,
I’m so sorry for your loss…
Denise Said,
My deepest sympathy for your loss.
Kim Said,
Carole, I’m so sorry.
Sheri Said,
My thoughts are with you and your family. Glad you got to be with this till the end.
Sheri in GA
Carol Said,
My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you.
jess Said,
I’m sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family. I’m glad you guys had that bit with him at the end.
Nancy Said,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you had reached a level of understanding about your feelings for your father. Having lost both parents I know how important that is at the end.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Teyani Said,
love and comfort to you dear one. I am glad that you got to be with him at the very end -
jillian Said,
Carole,
My deepest condolences to you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss. Even when it is not unexpected, one can never be prepared. I am glad to hear you had made a peace in your relationship before he passed and that you could all be together with him.
Stephanie Said,
Oh Carole, I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of your dad. Changes are never easy. Hang in there and let me know what I can do. I’m thinking of you.
Kristi aka Fiber Fool Said,
Carole, I’m so sorry for the loss in your family. I know it all too well right now. I wish I would have commented earlier, but my feed for you wasn’t working. My thoughts will be with you as you deal with the preparations and good byes of the coming days.
Wanda Said,
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m happy that you were able to say your final goodbyes to him.
Teresa C Said,
I am so sorry for you and your family. It was wonderful that you all got that last time together with him. You are in my thoughts.
Laura Said,
Well gosh. I’m always late to the party. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss Carole. But so glad to know you felt okay about the relationship that you developed with him. I’m thinking about you. Hugs winging their way to you and your family.
Angelia Said,
Carole, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sending lots of hugs & prayers your way.
Jane (crzjane) Said,
So sorry to hear about your loss. You will be going through a hard time, but just remember that your knitting community is with you.
God Bless
Kim Said,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You have touched my life so many times with your kindness and I have no doubt you touched your Dad’s life in the same way.
(((Hugs)))
Cindy D Said,
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. May those who love you give you great comfort.
aimee Said,
You and your family are in my thoughts tonight.
Jeannie Said,
Carole -
I know this is a tough time, having just lost my dad in Feb. Sounds like you have a supportive family – which is a blessing at this hard time.
Hugs to you. There will be many laughs and tears shared in the next few days. Remember in the days to come that we are thinking of you.
Jeannie
Snow Said,
Oh, dear. This is what I get for not reading blogs in my self-absorption. I miss a trauma in the life of someone I care very much about. I’m so sorry, Carole. It’s never, ever easy to lose someone. I hope you and your family can find ways to ease one another’s grief. Much love to you.
Kristina Said,
My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.
vanessa Said,
oh carole, i am so sorry for your loss.
Katy Said,
Just returned from vacation & was catching up on blogs…so sorry to hear this news. I’m glad you got to spend his last hours with him.