Let’s Get Real
I went to a meeting recently for women in government. It was attended mostly by women who work in government, which I do, but I attended in my role as an elected woman in government, not an employee. It was a large group of women and the meeting consisted of an opening discussion on creating good habits, followed by two speakers meant to inspire us with their stories. The speakers, one a judge and one a retired school administrator, were excellent.
The opening discussion? Not so much. And here’s why:
Despite the concept being a valid one – who doesn’t want to promote better habits? – the presentation of the concept was completely devoid of work and career habits. While that would be fine at a gathering of women for socializing this was a gathering for women working in government. I expected empowering and inspiring discussion. I expected ideas about how to get shit done at work, how to manage my time efficiently, how to be strong and empowered in a man’s world. Rather than any of that, though, every example they provided on creating habits was related to weight management or weight loss. They talked about sleeping in your gym clothes so that you will go to the gym as soon as you wake up. They talked about requesting a take out container at a restaurant and putting half of your meal in the container as soon as it arrives at the table. They talked about exercise buddies and weight loss apps to track food and using dry shampoo to avoid having to do your hair and on and on. While I’m certain their intentions were good it felt like an epic fail to me.
And I couldn’t help but thinking, if this was a room full of men talking about good habits they would not be talking about weight loss. They would not be concerned about how they look in a particular dress or how to make time to do their hair after they finish at the gym and are on their way to work. Instead, they would be talking about ways to tackle challenging assignments. They would be talking about using good habits to secure promotions. They would be brainstorming about actions to take and ways to get ahead.
I’ve been considering my feelings about this a lot lately. I’ve started a blog post about this more than once and then deleted it. But today I’m going for it. It ties in with some work I’m doing on body acceptance and vulnerability and also the challenges I face being the only woman on a 3 member elected board. And it makes me think that women need to rise up and lean in and change the way we’re communicating with each other. I mean, there I was in a room full of strong women leaders, and the women in charge were talking about dieting. In a moment when the audience was entirely female. In a moment when there would be no mansplaining, no competition to be heard or get your ideas across, no criticism for showing emotion or using the wrong tone of voice, they chose to talk about body image.
Sigh.
Sisters, we need a call to arms. We need to stop squandering our opportunities when we’re together. We need to not shame each other because of weight or size. We need to break the cycle of internalized sexism and stop believing that successful women must be skinny, that strong women are bossy and ruthless, and feminists are man-hating bitches. We need to stop judging each other for how we look and what we eat. Instead, we need to support each other, we need to be vulnerable with each other, and we need to become role models and mentors for the next generation of women. I think we do that by demonstrating leadership, by advancing in our careers, and by being our authentic selves.
I’m taking back my power. I hope you’ll join me.
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I am a retired federal employee with 31 years of service. You nailed it. I lost my job through a base realignment and closure when the activity I worked for in Illinois was closed and a portion of our jobs were moved to Ohio. My female supervisor told me I should be glad I was losing my job because the guy they hired off of the street in Ohio who was going to performing my duties had three kids and *really* needed it. Yeah—because everyone knows that single women don’t need health insurance, have to pay rent or a mortgage, or pay for their groceries. (Stupid much?) I could understand being discriminated against by a man, but coming from another single woman? That was several years ago, and it still stings.
OMG. How discouraging that this opening discussion went so far astray. I was wondering if there was any opportunity for audience input? Because that would be a perfect time to ask for less body image and more workplace habits. Sometimes it makes one wonder what century this is anyway! Carole, you are right about how to “break the cycle”. You go, woman!
Hi Carole,
I’m dismayed for you! The conversation you were anticipating got hijacked by the albeit real concerns for women, yet inappropriate for the task at hand.
I took the year off after the independent all-girls school for which I’ve been working these past 30 years, closed. An empowering and informative discussion on transferring strong leadership skills, creating strong work teams and seeing results in light of transitions life presents is a conference I’m interested in. Maybe it’s time we put one together! We should talk!
Hear, hear.
I am with you here. I read an article the other day where the woman who wrote it said that she wished that women would stop doing three things when speaking in meetings, etc.: 1) stop saying “I think” at the beginning of sentences, 2) stop saying “I feel” at the beginning of sentences, and 3) stop making every statement sound like a question at the end. I thought about this, and for a day at my job I decided to note how often this happened. The answer: A LOT. And likewise, none of the men who spoke did any of these things. I really wish someone would do a workshop about this kind of thing.
Having said that, there were plenty of responses to the article where women were saying, “Well, maybe men should learn to speak this way, it would be gentler.” I call that bullshit.
I also remember a few months ago, when someone told me that I “seemed comfortable in my own skin.” Yeah, I am. It’s not always easy, but it’s who I am and how I look, so deal with it!
I worked in hospital administration most of my career, and I was often furious and/or dismayed by the way the value of my role was perceived. I also had a boss I really liked tell me that it was “fair” that I was paid less than the men I worked with because they had dependents and I did not. WHAAA??? What’s that got to do with it? Everything you said is true and women are in silent collusion with men in letting this type of perception continue. What a disappointing conference! Sounds like an article in a women’s magazine. We must take our power, and soon. Women are truly some of their own worst enemies. I was so encouraged by the women’s march. What happened? We must exercise our power soon. The state of the nation and the world depends on it.
Having almost always worked in a male dominated field I personally just tossed my gender out the window and refused to be put down or stepped on. My fellow workers soon learned that the little blonde was one sassy kid and not to be messed with. See I was one of the first female barbers at age 18 and I didn’t let Innuendos or Discrimination stop me. Then I moved into the tech field again another male dominated field so i just proved to them that I had what it took to be just as smart as them and earned their respect. We need to encourage each other to get beyond the pettiness and rise above the poor me attitude. Honestly I enjoyed working in the male dominated world. Yes some not nice things happened but who doesn’t male or female. My husband has been passed over for crazy reasons like not being a person of color or female…go figure. Honestly we woman need to realize nothing in life is a cake walk. So let’s rise up and not let anyone talk down to us. We are the only ones who can make ourselves happy, so if the job or situation is not to your liking or healthy go open another door to a different opportunity and explore! Ok my rant is over please excuse any punctuation or grammatical errors. Thank you!
There is so much to unpack in this post and thank you for tackling it. I find it sad (but I am not surprised) that dieting and body image were the opening for the day. Except – that is exactly how women have to function in a male dominated society – males that are visually motivated. I remember an interview with Hillary Clinton about this very issue – how big a deal your weight and what you look like are.
I hope you are in a position someday SOON to give an opening to a group of women about how to get shit done, be more organized, utilize your time better, and look awesome doing it (because you are exactly that role model for me!!)
I am absolutely with you! (and I truly love you for this post!) XO
Holy crap. I can’t believe a roomful of smart professional women put up with this. Do you have a contact list for the attendees? There was likely a wealth of wisdom and experience in that room. I suspect there would be a number of them interested in some sort of social networking to address professional issues if given the opportunity. I would also be making a note of who the speakers and organizers were and think twice before attending anything they were running again. I’m sorry this was your experience.
It sounds like a “how to be a good girl” talk from the 50’s! Talk with my daughter someday about being a woman in a Male dominated field. The things she’s dealt with will curl your hair!
I’ll be right there with you in the front lines my friend.
Are you freakin’ kidding me? THAT was their idea of an opening session???? I am APALLED. I know. I know. I know. But, oh my goodness what a wasted opportunity. While there is value for all women (and especially for busy professional women) in health and wellness topics, any discussion should be focused on the benefits of good health (and especially when related to women balancing their work and their families and their personal lives) and never on appearance, weight-loss, or dry shampoo tips. (Sleeping in your gym clothes????? Seriously? THAT was their helpful tip????)
I’m sorry that you had to sit through such a wasted, misguided session. I hope you will provide feedback to the organizers (perhaps just link them to your blog post, and then suggest they read these comments).
And yeah. We need to . . . rise up!
Shame on them. You can bet a similar event for men would focus on management skills such as communication and negotiation. I can only hope you were not the only attendee who felt this way. This certainly does nothing to empower women.
remember the “you’ve come a long way baby” commercials in the 70’s its so not true, our generation has fought and as we work toward our next chapter (I am a few years ahead of you) we are being told we are stagnating in the work place, no more women in many roles….its so discouraging thanks for talking about this its important!
WOW! Just Wow…words are escaping me as I sit with my jaw wide open. And, really, sleep in your gym clothes??? WTF?
Sleep in your gym clothes??? Dry shampoo??? What a waste of time and what an insult to all who were present. What saddens me is that things really haven’t changed much for women in the past 40 years
My niece is a school teacher (ESL) and went to a seminar with an inappropriate lecture similar to the one you attended. She emailed the people in charge and gave her input, as cordially and succinctly as she could, and they listened. She had input and impact by speaking up. Might depend on who runs the seminar in the first place, but she felt she had a chance to bring about change.
Wow. I’ve heard that sleep in your gym clothes thing before (so stupid) and I ’bout fell off my chair with the dry shampoo. I hope you can shake things up somehow with this post Carole! (I like the send the link idea…) And thank-you for writing this!
Great discussion (by Carole and the commenters). I am retired but remember many of the difficulties we face. Thanks again for you and all the commenters.
I support every single thing you wrote!
Wow, that opening discussion was really weird and off-topic! You’re so right to address it.
Actually I don’t even see a reason for a meeting especially for women. Yes, it’s inspiring to hear talks like that, but why can’t men be inspired by women and women by men? Why don’t men have talks about combining family and work?
We still have a long way to go for most people to not make a difference between men and women when it’s work-related.
And yes, it’s also bodyshaming. The concept that every women should mind what she eats and go to the gym and that those are the only habits we need to form? So not right.
I think the goal we need to work to is a body that is functioning the way it should, not matter what size it is. And the way to achieve that is to find out what kind of food and how much of it our body needs. Moving more does feel good, but I strongly believe normal moving, like housework and gardening, and light excercise like walking, taking stairs and swimming (if you’re living on a tropical island) should be sufficient.
Good Lord! I think I’d have gotten up and walked out.
Love you Carole. And all that you stand for.
I would highly recommend that you write a letter to the organizers and attendees of this conference sharing your insights! None of the successful women I know need more stigmatizing about their looks.
Seriously? That’s how the talk started? OK – I agree that sleeping in my gym clothes DOES help get me to the gym in the AM. But I ain’t going to the gym to look good for any man! I go because I feel better doing it and it helps my blood pressure and diabetes. We can talk about health, but please, none of us need to be skinny for anybody. I would have yawned and walked out. Give me ideas on how to streamline my day, how to be more organized and efficient in my job, but for God’s sake don’t tell me how to be anybody else’s expectation of perfect. I would write a letter to whomever organized that event and tell them how you feel.
Maybe we should start a Lean In group or a women’s consciousness circle. You know what I mean. I’d be in for that.
Amen.
Absolutely, I am with you. It is hard to believe that weight loss, etc. was the focus of this talk. This is a well written post Carole. I am glad you wrote and posted it.
Loved your post. I am 70 years old and can’t believe women are still not sticking up for each other. This is ridiculous in 2019/2020!!! My daughter is at a conference and at one of the meetings, groups were formed. This conference has both women and men. She was assigned a group with 5 other women and she has said that they are so aggressive in their approach on how something should be done that it has really put her off. So it is just unbelievable to me that this even goes on. As far as your conference you attended, what a waste of your time. Sure hope they sent around critique cards for everyone to fill out as I am sure you weren’t the only one disappointed.
I’ll totally attend a program where we help each other with work habits- but leave the WW tips to the WW people.? That has no business in the workplace.
We need a litmus year-
If you wouldn’t consider the activity for men, leave it off our agenda, too.
*Test. Not year.
Although dang, imagine if we were mindful of gender equality for just a year what a difference it would make in the long run? ?
Right on! I am disgusted and appalled. As women, we need to do better. The patriarchy (for lack of a better term) is hell bent on keeping us in our place. We should be doing everything we can to support each other and hold each other up. I certainly hope you shared these thoughts with the organizers of the event!
Wow. I am also a bit speechless, even a day after first reading this post! Some of these “good habits” would leave me agape even if this wasn’t a work/career discussion!
There was a recent article in the NY Times along these lines:
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/08/opinion/sunday/women-dieting-wellness.html
And I, too, hope that the organizers have been or will be made aware of your feelings (perhaps shared by other attendees?).
In response to Bridget who noted the words women use, a friend of mine who is a manager and wonderful mentor for everyone she meets, will stop you cold if the conversation starts out “I’m sorry”. She says women need to stop apologizing for everything and nothing in the workplace.
This is a great conversation.
I am very luck that in my work environment the women and men are on equal footing-in some cases the women have the advantage because so few are willing to do what they do. The amount of respect shown and the sense of comradery that I see on a daily basis is refreshing. I think until women as a whole decide to break the stereotypes the cycle will continue-it seems like women can’t agree on most topics and issues- so yea.